Its Monday & the Laundry is Almost Done

I do laundry on Sundays.  For some reason, whether or not I actually get the laundry finished on Sunday speaks to how my week is going to go.  Last week, for example, the laundry stayed on my couch the entire week.  I’m not exactly sure why – I was just busy and distracted.  That also means that I didn’t eat particularly well, didn’t exercise and in general, just felt blah.

I was sick a couple of weeks ago and had come out of that determined to really and truly make changes to how I eat.  As it seems to go with all of my other “determinations”, it lasted a couple of days.  Ugh.

Here it is Monday yet again.  I just heard from my best friend in Vegas – she’s doing great with some new eating habits.  I’m really happy for her but it made me feel way, way terrible about myself.  Like, I almost started crying.  And I’m not really a crying person.


Instead of crying, I’m trying to take action.  I popped some garbanzo beans in the toaster oven to try roasting them again.  That was a gumdrop replacement snack but I didn’t get them quite roasted right last time.  I’ve surveyed the refrigerator and decided to make broccoli beef for dinner.  Its my daughter’s favorite, involves some veggies and I’ll make myself brown rice.

I’m also trying to remember that I’ve made some progress.  The gumdrops are still out of my car.  I’ve put ice cream in a bowl on the nights I’ve had some, rather than sitting down with the entire container.  I made an excellent new recipe – avocado edamame hummus and ate it with jicama.  I figured out how to make an omelet and had that for breakfast several times last week.

Despite this, I’m continuing to gain weight.  My blue work slacks are tight and they’ve never been tight before.  Its really, really hard for me to see the positive.

And, its only Monday and the laundry is almost done!  Its all through the washer and dryer and 50% folded!  Perhaps all is not lost for this week.



Reset Day

The end of last week really fell apart.  All of my “living purposefully”, small goals, small steps, talk went right out the window.  I ended yesterday feeling miserable, depressed and like a total and complete failure.

Thankfully, for some reason, I woke up feeling much better this morning and am choosing to look at today as a reset day.  I’m choosing to focus on the fact that I did walk my dog three times last week, which included these lovely views:



I managed three days with much, much less sugar.  Three days is better than zero days!  And I managed a few posts here on my blog.

When I actually type it out, last week doesn’t sound all that bad!

This morning I read this great post titled, “Mindset Changes Everything” by Dr. Andrea Dinardo:  Dr. Dinardo points out that obstacles can be learning opportunities.

Right.  Learning opportunities.  What obstacles did I face?  Why did my new mindset go awry?  What do I need to look out for to make more progress this week?  What went well that I can build on?

I don’t have all the answers yet.  I do know that this is hard!!  I also know that my mantra needs to be “I can” and “I will” instead of “I want to” or “I wish”.

I was going to end this post with the thought that I will make this week a “better” week than last.  I think that’s another mindset I need to switch . . . away from the concept of “better”.  Last week, I did the best I could.  Thinking that I need to make this week “better” somehow implies to me that last week wasn’t good.  But it was.  I did a lot of things well.  And, if I didn’t do everything perfectly, well, that’s o.k.

So how about this . . . I will continue to move forward this week.



Living Purposefully . . . Is Hard!!!

A few days ago I wrote about my intent to live more purposefully.  I had a bunch of vague notions about what exactly that meant.  I’ve spent the past couple of days trying to put those vague notions into practice.

Its hard!!!!!

As a mom, wife, attorney, and wearer of many other hats, its incredibly easy to get swept up in work, household chores and running the kids here and there.

So I’ve decided to focus on a few things I can control.  (Because as much as I’d like to believe otherwise, I can’t control everything – at least, that’s what my therapist tells me.

1. Eat less sugar.  I’m a complete sugar addict.  While working on the Rose Parade float, I lived on these little gems:   20171230_195427.jpg  I literally ate 10 – 15 a day!  The frosting is my favorite part!!!  Now that I’m home, I’ve been plowing through candy and ice cream.  There’s a tub of gumdrops in my car.  But I can feel the ill effects of the sugar.  I’m tired, not focused, not sleeping well, and my face is breaking out.  Its time to once again seriously decrease my sugar intake!

2.  Eat better – this goes hand in hand with number 1.  Less sugar, more veggies, fruit and water.  I came back from Rose Parade float the heaviest I’ve been in quite awhile.  Ugh.

3.  Write more.  Writing is something I’ve wanted to do for a very, very long time.  I’m not sure I have a book in me but I can give myself 10 or 15 minutes several times a week to post something here.

O.k., normally I would go on and on with a huge list of other things I’m going to do.  Stopping at three is another thing I’m trying to do differently in my “live purposefully” quest.  I’m trying to slow down.  Focus on a few things at a time.  Not become overwhelmed, feel like I’m failing and then beat myself up.

I keep reminding myself to take baby steps and be patient.  And not give up just because its hard.  More than “I want to do this”; “I can do this.”

Swept Along

I didn’t really make New Year’s resolutions.  (Is January 8 too late for a post about New Year’s resolutions?)  But, for 2018, I want to stop just being swept along by life.  I want to live purposefully.

I’m not even sure exactly what I mean by that.  I guess I want to live by making conscious choices rather than just bouncing from thing to thing.  I want to feel more focused.  And I’m hoping that leads to feeling more accomplished.

I’m not 100% sure how exactly to go about this.  I think its going to take some slowing down and being more thoughtful.  And allowing myself time and space.  I think its telling myself that its o.k. to be successful at something.  I think its about closing the door on anxiety and worry, which I’m guessing will allow more time for actually doing.

I think its about not making excuses.  And not procrastinating.  I think its about allowing for practice, rather than expecting perfection at every turn.  Its about plans and following through, trying again, and not giving up.  And allowing for mistakes!

Its about believing that a new way of living is possible.  Even if it sounds hard (which it does!)


Game On Update

I can’t believe its been six weeks since I started my first round of Game On!!!  Where did that time go??  Anyway, I thought I should give an update / report.

I’m sorry to say that, in the end, I really feel like it made zero difference.  I suppose the fact that life here was turned sideways by the fires has something to do with that.  Its difficult to focus on healthy eating, exercise, making new habits, letting go of old habits, drinking enough water and sleeping enough when the county is on fire (not literally the entire county but that’s what it felt like some days), people are losing their homes and livelihoods, my Mom is living with us, and I have extra dogs running around – all because of fires.

And then, October 1 rolled around which means I get to eat these:candy corn

I really, really love candy corn.  And its only allowed in our house during the month of October (even if its in stores earlier).  I’m one of those “OHAAT” people . . . “One Holiday At A Time”!!!!!  So, since I only have 31 days of candy corn, I have to get my entire years’ worth in.

And then, all that Halloween candy comes home!!!  candy

Have I mentioned that I really like sugar??  My kids have Halloween candy from last year left over!!!  So they certainly don’t notice if a piece or two or three (or four) are gone each day.

With all of that being said, I’m starting a new round of Game On tomorrow.  I’m certainly not feeling geared up for it, motivated, or anything else.  But I’m going to give it a go nonetheless.  Hopefully, the next five weeks will be calm and smooth and, this time around, I’ll actually make some new healthy habits.  Or at least lose a couple of pounds.  Or at least decrease my candy consumption to one or two pieces a day.  I’m hoping for all of those things.  But I know its going to take more than simple “hope”.

How to be Different

Apparently, I need some lifestyle changes.  After collapsing at work out of the blue (caused a huge commotion), I went to see my doctor yesterday.  (I refused to go to the ER with the nice paramedics.)  My doctor called me a “textbook case of the healthy person who drops dead from a heart attack.”

Well, hmmmm . . . She was concerned when I looked puzzled at her order to “spend the rest of the day doing something for myself.”  I have plenty of things that I’d really like to do for myself but they never seem to happen.  For example, 3 days ago I picked some fava beans, found a recipe and have been wanting to make soup.  Fava beans are still sitting on my counter and they don’t seem to be making soup themselves.

How is that possible?  How can I not even find time to cook food that I want to??  What the heck do I do all day?  In my opinion, I don’t do much.  But when I tell my girlfriends, “I did this and this and this today . . . nothing!” they’re like, “wow, you did all that?” My doctor says I tend to minimize.

So, o.k., I need to lessen my “constant state of stress and anxiety” (more doctor quotes) and that’s great but HOW??  How do I just start being different?  How do I make space for myself?

I think I’ve asked this question before here in my blog.  Maybe the better question is: How do I not feel guilty about making space for myself?

I mean, we’re not talking about me going on a shopping spree or something.  We’re talking about soup!!!  Healthy soup that the rest of my family could eat.

I did finally announce to my 12 and 14 year old kids that they get to make their own school lunches and unpack their lunch box when they get home this year.  My husband was thrilled at this declaration.  I’m not exactly sure why – he rarely if ever made their lunch; he just seemed to be upset that I made lunches for the kids.  The kids were less than thrilled.  Me?  I felt guilty.

When Your “Happy Place” is also Your “Sad Place”

I love my horses and I love spending time in my barn.  Its where I do my best thinking and, even though I often forget it and neglect to spend enough time there, hanging out with my horses truly makes me happy.

But its complicated.  While my barn is most definitely one of my most happy places, its also a sad place sometimes.

My horse, Stormy, turned 28 on June 13.  I was hanging out in the barn with him and, for some reason, my thoughts turned to my beloved first horse, Tori.  Pretty quickly, I was sitting in my barn, balling my eyes out.  I had to put Tori down on September 3, 1997 – that was a long time ago!!!!  But oftentimes it seems like it was yesterday.  Is it always going to seem like that?

Hanging out with my current horses – Stormy, my retired old guy; Slewy, my gorgeous off-the-track Thoroughbred I can’t seem to ride; and Holly, the kids’ mini – is certainly comforting.  But, sometimes I’m in the barn and I’m just overwhelmed with how much I miss Tori, how he was supposed to still be here with me (I know he’s always “with” me).

Compounding my sadness is the fact that I feel like I’m failing Tori daily by not riding Slewy.  Its as if all the time we spent together and all the skills he taught me is somehow being wasted.  That, though, hasn’t been enough motivation to get me back to riding Slewy.

Because Slewy’s not Tori.  They’re both Thoroughbreds and I put Slewy’s bit on Tori’s bridle, hoping that would help. They have similar personalities – sweet, kind, inquisitive, always in your pocket.

I just know that somehow, in my slightly nutty head, this is getting in the way of riding Slewy again.  And I’m just not sure what to do about it.  Logically, I think I would feel better if I were riding.  But logic doesn’t seem to have much to do with this.  If it were all up to my logic, I would have been riding years ago.

My happy place being my sad place makes it complicated.  And difficult to move forward.